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October 23

back to poetry

 
zz我当然是岛屿 by 蔡康永


我當然是島嶼

這我早已知道

誠然 , 島上物種稀少 ,景色乏味

好在 島嶼位於季風和洋流交錯之地

得以迎接隨風飄來的種子

迎接隨雨降落的飛蟲

迎接迷路的蟹 ,和美麗貝類



我也迎接折斷翅膀的鳥

迎接被沖上岸來的 無名動物的死屍



我也迎接被詛咒的船長 , 被隔離的罪犯

迎接被放逐的祖先 , 被完全忘記的遠征軍隊



還有, 我也迎接被嘲弄的海妖

以及 , 被愛所拋棄的人魚




我當然是島嶼

這我早已知道

而且我也知道 ,在水的下面 看不見的地方

我仍然連著某塊巨大的陸地



當那天又到來時

陸塊又會轟然移動

而我 , 以及所有連著的島嶼 

也又會身不由己的 跟著被推移 ,被擠壓

又會有火山和海嘯

盡情的清除島嶼上 , 我曾經迎接的一切





有什麼關係呢 ?

我無非是又被清理成 , 另一副模樣的荒島



而這次

也許

我就只迎接你了
 
 
May 21

帐篷


心里塞满哀伤的时候,就想搭一顶帐篷,把那团稠乎乎的东西撑在上面,不让它们挨着我,心上就能空气流通了。我就可以若无其事了…



May 20

she's not Rachel

 
《老友记》最动人片断之Ross and Rachel
 
(第二季)208 The One With the List
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
 
——除却巫山不是云
 
(第五季)501 The One After Ross Says Rachel
[Scene: Ross’s Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?
Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?
Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.
Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross…
Ross: I, Ross…
Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY…
Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)
Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.
 
——最无欺的潜意识,最深的期待
 
(第六季)614 The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What?! You kissed!
Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…
Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)
Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)
Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out.
 
——我不知道我们之间还有没有可能,但我不愿意让它成为不可能
 
 
 
May 05

燃点在哪里

 
每个人,每一天,都有一些事是期待着看到、发生和去做的吧。
 
就像早上睁开眼睛想到今天要穿的美衫,旋转办公之隙想到下班可赴的约会、可接的孩子,疲惫返家之途想到进门可见的宠物、可口的饭菜,等等。有了这些精神为之一振的盼头,日子的平白与难耐才易于通过一些,时间的暴力才不至于发指到遥遥无期。人就是这么容易安慰的动物,今朝有酒,即可安度,囚犯也不例外。
 
那个醉于酒的时刻,即是那一段生命的燃点。火光之下,是一颗灼烧的心,和不失美好的蓬勃征途。
 
只是我的燃点,已经越来越不明显了,要去哪里找回呢
 
 
 
 
March 28

Because Of You


Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You 
 
 
I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
我不会和你犯相同的错误  
I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery  
我不会允许自己给自己的心带来如此多的痛苦  
I will not break the way you did, You fell so hard  
我不会改变你的做法(?),你已如此不幸  
I ve learned the hard way To never let it get that far  
我已经知道不让它发展成那样的艰难的方法  

Because of you ,I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
因为你,我从不离开正途太远  
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don t get hurt  
因为你,我学会为了不让自己受伤而在安全地带流连  
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
因为你,我发现很难相信自己甚至身边的人  


Because of you I am afraid  
因为你,我很害怕  

I lose my way And it s not too long before you point it out  
当我迷失自我,你很快为我指明道路  
I cannot cry Because you know that s weakness in your eyes  
我不能哭泣,因为你知道那正是你眼中的懦弱  
I m forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
我被迫要在生命中的每一天假装微笑、开怀大笑  
My heart can t possibly break  
我的心不可能破碎  
When it wasn t even whole to start with  
因为它从一开始就未曾完整过  

Because of you ,I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
因为你,我从不离开正途太远  
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don t get hurt  
因为你,我学会为了不让自己受伤而在安全地带流连  
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
因为你,我发现很难相信自己甚至身边的人  


Because of you I am afraid  
因为你,我很害怕  

I watched you die  
我眼看着你死去  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
我听着你每晚睡梦中的哭泣  
I was so young  
我还太年轻  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
你早就应该明白你不能依靠我  
You never thought of anyone else  
你从未顾及到别人  
You just saw your pain  
你只看到了自己的痛苦  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
而现在我在每个午夜哭泣  
For the same damn thing  
却是为了相同的该死的东西  


Because of you ,I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
因为你,我从不离开正途太远  
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don t get hurt  
因为你,我学会为了不让自己受伤而在安全地带流连  
Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything  
因为你,我拼命的想要忘记过去的一切  
Because of you I don t know how to let anyone else in  
因为你,我不知道如何接纳任何人  
Because of you I m ashamed of my life because it s empty  
因为你,我因生活的空虚而感到羞愧
Because of you
因为你
I am afraid
我害怕
Because of you
Because of you




March 21

一段摘抄

      ……

最后一次见她是在勺园对面的一家餐厅,我跟两位朋友吃饭,肴核将尽,她突然
出现,头发剪得短短的,一副精明干练的网站编辑派头。她在桌边附下身,把残存的几
块豆腐扫荡干净,然后向我解释说在等人来吃饭,久候不至,快饿死了。我的两位朋友
有些不知所措地看着这不太得体的举动。她抹抹嘴离去,我们也结帐离开。我在餐厅外
面透过落地玻璃窗看见她们一桌人,有几个还是我认识的,于是敲敲窗户,做了个再见
的手势,她木然地挥手向我道别,就连眼神也是漠然的,象是不认识我一样。

她来过一封email, 说是帮我买了本中日文化交流史的书,改天拿过来。又说当
日有个诗人批评她的小说和生活,她忽然觉得冰冷。她说现在知道了梵高那种怀疑自身
的痛苦,在失败的阴影中坚持着、抵抗着,在灰暗中觉得一点衰老。"所以今天有些伤感
,然后天气是这样的晦暗。"我回了好长的一封信,她却没有再回。我在信里说,其实什
么样的生活才是有意义的,谁知道呢,谁又有资格评说呢,自己的泪水只有自己知道,
青春挥霍了是践踏青春,那我这样青春搁置了,虚度了,就不是践踏青春了吗。我中规
中矩,我步步为营,我稳扎稳打,我把自己都变得不是我了,这样的青春能说是有意义
的吗。

她没有回信。后来,为给她介绍一位找人写书评的时尚杂志编辑,我跟她通过电
话。那人本来是经朋友介绍找我约稿,稿酬优厚,我自觉手潮,便推荐她。事后她有一
封emal,说想去比利时,要自己攒钱。我回信说希望能够和她在欧洲再见,自己都觉到
几分有心无力的勉强。她回答说:"那样最好,呵呵。"

那样最好。这是她最后的话。

那个和昌平同时出现在我生活中的她。她在我看不见的地方孤独的走着,呼吸着
北京的空气,和我呼吸着同一种空气。 她好象忽然从我的生活里消失一样,我总是自己
生活着。因为是渐进式的,她的撤出没有显露太大的空白。我还能过下去。看不见她的
踪影。

甚至没有人和我提到她。我跟她以前的男友有联系,并且逐渐发展成为了一种类
朋友的关系。我们都心照不宣地避免提到她。她的名字,她的情事,她的花,她身上那
和香水味混杂的烟味,她笑时露出的虎牙,她微微蹙眉的表情--全都在一瞬间消失了。
一点痕迹也没有。除了一个我从不拨打的呼号。这是代表她的唯一符号,对我仅存的安
慰。就是说理论上我是可以找到她的。

我有时去她宿舍借书,坐她床上,从她的书架上找她的书,习惯性地给她留下字
条,定期把书还回去,又借新的。渐渐地我跟她宿舍的人也都熟了。她们中的一两位还
会招待我喝杯自制法式咖啡,听听莫文蔚或三十年代老歌,也乐意跟我谈一些可归为隐
私的事情。即便如此,也丝毫感觉不到她的存在。她床上散乱地放着同宿舍其他人的衣
物和书稿,使人感觉不到那张床是自有主人的。她的床已经没有她的气息了。有时我会
从她床架上的玻璃瓶里抓一把玫瑰茄回去泡水,玻璃瓶是我送她的,还有一个大大的黄
色瓷杯子,上面有个小女孩,穿得不多,旁边写"sexy",也是我送她的,还有我给她的
几封信,散落在书架上,这些她都没有带走。

她没有带走什么,却将我生命的一部分席卷而去。


我只能循着一种惯性过下去。在生活的缝隙间,在想起她的时候,我被难以言喻
的忧愁窒息。我强迫自己去忽略她的缺席。可是我无论如何都做不到。"遇见我是你最大
的幸运或不幸。"相遇注定分离,聚首便成永诀,幸运就是不幸,她早已道破天机。她是
我流不出的眼泪说不出的话,是我麻木的痛楚无声的叹息。她是我年年初见的春兰秋菊
,岁岁惊闻的长空雁歌。她是我清晨的怆然黄昏的落寞,是我无边的想象力和奇迹般的
欢乐。

她是我已经逝去的青春,无法实现的生活。

而我,暂时前途光明,丰衣足食,家庭美满幸福,生活充实而闲适,作为家中大
部分长辈的慰藉和绝大部分晚辈的榜样而存在和继续存在。我没有勇气让她知道,在失
去她的日子里,在日常岁月的泡沫中,在规范与教化之下,我再也不能真正诗意地栖居
,我的灵魂在一天天地朽坏和坠落。




2001.5.14
 




摘自
精华区文章阅读
发信人: pythia (苜蓿), 信区: Literature
标 题: 她(转载)
发信站: BBS 水木清华站 (Fri Nov 2 14:42:12 2001)

发信人: FENDI (红袖添乱), 信区: PKU
标 题: 她
发信站: The unknown SPACE (Thu Nov 1 15:47:39 2001), 转信




March 12

记小黑和芭比的相似之处

 
天又下雨了,finally。这几日的晴好就像是偷来的,终于给还了回去,生活又可以安心的继续。
 
近一个星期的主题是看书备考,每晚和芭比在家中相对,发现这小东西一日聪复一日,可喜可爱,和小黑也有不少可比之处呢!
比如:
生活重大事项的排序(按热衷程度)依次是:出去找同类玩、歪在窝里睡觉、勉强吃几口粮。。。
亲善开朗,活泼动人,属于外向型狗狗
长毛唬人,极瘦体质,除去外包装只剩骨架一副
胆小、谨慎、警觉、闪人极快~
尖嘴猴腮,眉目婉转,眼神可清纯可狡黠,深明暗渡陈仓之道
鼻子漂亮,也娇贵,动辄三个喷嚏。。。
顽固,劣习一二,屡教不改
最会装可怜,也最善张声势,察言观色、讨好卖乖之能者
晕车,居然还会吐,居然还要吐四次!
好奇宝宝,爱围观,爱掺和,无聊起来直哼哼
挨揍不怎么记仇,但有一点点后怕
爱我,贪玩,却会时不时回望我,如果多喊几遍,多远也能喊回来。
 
 


 

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